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Couples

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.

- Carl Jung

For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

Relationship is one of the highest and most difficult of the yogas. Relationship goes beyond theory, beyond comfortable methods and painful patterns to the practice of the living truth. Relationship is good practice: it can teach you to open your heart in hell.

- Stephen and Ondrea Levine

We all seek and want to enjoy close, intimate, loving relationships with others, especially with one special other. Yet, while we all yearn for these close, special connections, once begun these relationships become challenging, perhaps the most challenging relationships we have. The problems and difficulties that arise over time in our closest, most significant relationships can reduce and even eliminate the experience of love and enjoyment we once had in these very same relationships.

Getting To The SourceThe problems and difficulties that arise in significant relationships and which will inevitably arise to a greater or lesser extent in every intimate relationship, include feelings of frustration, hurt, anger, fear, betrayal and many other unwelcome feelings.

We usually react to these unwelcome feelings by blaming our partner, by withdrawing, or by engaging in a combination of one or more of these and other defensive patterns. Our reactivity veils that what we want is for these unwelcome feelings to stop, to go away. We become certain that these feelings wouldn't arise with the "right" partner, so sometimes we even leave or end the relationship.

Guided inquiry into these experiences leads to a deeper understanding of the unwelcome feelings and of ourselves. We stop blaming and become more immediate with ourselves. As we turn toward our own pain, our hearts open and presence builds. Deepening our contact with our own experience thusly inevitably leads to a deeper and richer connection with our partners.

Awakening in the DifficultyThe opportunity presented by the arising of the difficulties of intimate relating is, rather than resisting them, to awaken inside these unwanted difficulties to a deeper understanding of the truth of our situation. To stay with and inquire into the painful experience and work to awaken to the truth inside the experience is the greatest challenge - and opportunity - of relating with significant others. The painful experiences can then serve as openings to ever increasing levels of depth, richness and intimacy, with ourselves and our significant others.